| i am officially obsessed with russia. |
[ Monday June 18th 2007 @ 1:01am] |
A Little Bird
In alien lands devoutly clinging
To age-old rites of Russian earth,
I let a captive bird go winging
To greet the radiant spring's rebirth.
My heart grew lighter then: why mutter
Against God's providence, and rage,
When I was free to set aflutter
But one poor captive from his cage!
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[ Tuesday January 16th 2007 @ 11:44pm] |
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i'm really unconcerned with this journal.
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| i'm literally falling apart |
[ Tuesday January 2nd 2007 @ 12:52am] |
tonight is yet another night this break that i am not sober
what the fuck is going on in my life right now
i don't give a damn about anyone or anything and i'm wasting my body
it's ridiculous
and yet i'm different in every way so why does it matter what i was like seven months ago
i just wish no one would fucking notice
like my aunt from canada
we'll see how ohio state goes
high fucking hopesssss
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[ Tuesday December 19th 2006 @ 10:27pm] |
well we found penny dead on the intersection of 3 & 162
it was fucking awful
it actually happened that my little sister was posting a lost dog flyer that i made.. when a police officer saw her and asked her what was wrong because she was crying
she told him her little white dog had ran away
and he remembered that a lady had reported a dead animal about a mile and a half/ two miles away
so.. he told my mom about it while i was at showchoir practice and i came home and heard the news
it was one of the worst times of my life
this past week has been fucking awful
my grades dropped because of the amount of stress i felt everytime i thought about the fact that i could have let her down in the basement and everything would have been alright
but earlier tonight we went down to the middle of nowhere and bought a new puppy
she's a yorkshire terrier and i have high hopes for her
her name will be winnie short for gwenivere and she seems timid right now
my family still secretly blames me for penny's death i think
i know that i blame myself
don't do drugs
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[ Monday December 11th 2006 @ 3:20am] |
my best friend and dog ran away
her name is penny and she's a white jack russel terrier..
we've been together now for nine years
i had a party last night and i forgot about letting her back inside when she went potty
now i've been crying all this sunday
and i don't know what to do..
the animal shelter is closed
everything is empty
i can't believe i did this to her
she's probably in the cold right now suffering and hungry
and it's all my fault
i knew something horrible was going to happen
i shouldn't have let people come over
everything would have been perfectly fine if i wasn't such an idiot
i really can't live life like this anymore
i'm losing everything
please god help me
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[ Wednesday November 29th 2006 @ 12:42am] |
i do NOT understand my FUCKING mother
one second she's screaming at me
next minute she's irking the fuck out of me with stupid comments like "why don't you join the army rachel HMMMMMM WHY NOT HMMMM WHY THE FUCK NOT HMMM!?!?!"
i fucking hate her
i'm serious
it's getting worse and worse
i mean i love her
but i fucking DESPISE her company
it's never gotten this bad before
everything she fucking says is to hurt me
i swear to you
and unless it's that, she's just picking at me piece by piece with stupid back-handed compliments
it's rifuckingdiculous
i hate her
and my dad,
oh my god my dad
he's the biggest fucking IMBECILE on the planet when it comes to raising children
YEAH DAD, RAISE US IN SILENCE
you fucking business
burn
i swear
you are nothing
i hate my fucking family so much
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| dead |
[ Wednesday November 22nd 2006 @ 12:09am] |
today i am very tired
tomorrow will be the same
why
is it always like this?
i'm not even that unhappy.
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[ Sunday November 19th 2006 @ 2:37pm] |
it has been a really good bloody november for me.
my mom found my cigarettes in the pocket of my workpants.
i didn't care all that much, and all she said was that she didn't want me to die or anything.
i told her she wasn't scaring me, that i know everything it does to people.
she said that's the problem with people, they don't listen until it's too late.
thanks for that, mom.
i don't even see myself outside of myself so i can't see the mistakes i'm making.
it's really almost frustrating.
i would stop if i could get myself to care about my own well-being.
bloody fucking hell.
they're going away this week to hunt in indiana with my little sister.
it's going to be nice to be able to sit alone in my house.
but other than that i'm sitting alone on a sunday morning doing absolutely nothing
i almost honestly want to go to church
fuck
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[ Monday November 13th 2006 @ 3:41am] |
my mom has been lurking on my shit so fucking bad lately
she read my diary and now she's always making it a point to make me realize that she knows all this hidden shit about me
for instance she inquired about my fucking SCREEN name and what it means and all this shit
i don't understand why she's trying to act like she fucking cares
she's so creepy when she cares
i hate this so much
i wish she would mind her own business like she has for the past 17 years
it's just creepy and annoying and i don't even care if she's doing it out of love
she needs to fucking stop immediately
or i'm going to blow a fuse
they're going away this weekend
i don't really know but they were already bitching me out about it
"i don't trust you so don't fuck up"
OOOKAY
wow cool
get the fuck out of my business mom
now that you've read my journal everything is awkward and it's YOUR FUCKING FAULT
idiot
okay
bye
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[ Tuesday November 7th 2006 @ 3:43am] |
im so sorry for everything i did
i cant believe that i had the chance to give you everything and instead made a huge mistake
on substances
any substance
i cant believe this
you confuse the fuck out of me
and i feel myself slowly falling into another pit of helpless stressed-out depression
i don't care about papers
i don't care about school
i have a 4.4 GPA and it's only going to get worse
i seriously cannot win anymore
no one
not anyone
is here
i just left indiana
and i know this happens everytime i leave
but fuck
ive never cried so hard
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[ Tuesday November 7th 2006 @ 3:37am] |
i don't remember a thing from saturday night
i took three or four xanax i think and drank a bunch of shots
it was stupid but i didn't know what to do otherwise
you see louisville does this to me
i feel like i have to be extravagant
i feel like i have to seize the day
showchoir recital tomorrow
nel cor piu non mi sento
i guess its italian
i barely know it yet
i didn't do my math homework
i still have to write my ap lit paper on l'etranger by camus
i can't think of anything to say
i can't
i have to know that song by tomorrow and i hardly know the lyrics
i'm fucked
i don't care
i feel like this is the beginning of a deep depression
just don't tell anyone
i cried for the first time in months on sunday morning
i hope you know that
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| i can't seem to take you anywhere |
[ Thursday November 2nd 2006 @ 1:25pm] |
i'm going to indiana soon here in a little bit
my work wants to fire me because i always call off at the worst fucking times ha
but anyway...
i'm hoping it'll be an interesting time
i don't even care that much if it's not amazing
as long as i get to see alicia and apologize to her face for what i did
ummm--
i have all A's
i hope i get above a 4.0 cumulative GPA
that would probably make me really fucking happy
ummmmmmm...
i can't find my cell phone and this is a very essential piece to the drivingtoindiana puzzle
because i need to call my mom everytime i reach a big city
seriously
ugh.
i'm annoyed
WHO STOLE IT >:O
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[ Tuesday October 24th 2006 @ 11:37pm] |
so
i mean
i guess i'm alright
my self-confidence has reached an all-time high
i'm not prettier or skinnier or anything
in fact i look exactly the same
but there's something so nice in self-worth
that i can't seem to let it go
i stopped smoking pot
i can only do my homework now without wanting to sleep
i had a choir concert tonight
i danced in the showchoir
i only fucked up once. shit.
homecoming was fucking cool. i had a great time dancing, but i was definitely sore.
this is my life.
i have nothing to say.
i applied to OSU and i'm probably going to get in.
but i'm still really quite nervous.
it's not like i don't have the grades..
or the extra-curricural activities
or any of that
it's not that i'm not really really mercurial and involved
but i'm just scared they won't like the last name "ruebusch"
i wonder with whom i'm going to room
hopefully someone i love
of course someone i love
i'm really tired of incompetence
i'm really tired of people with absolutely no will to go beyond the house they live in right now
and i'm also really exhausted of hearing the same thing over and over:
"i guess i'll just go to community college."
it just wears me out
see you later
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[ Monday September 25th 2006 @ 11:20pm] |
dear life
lol@virginity
lol@even trying to start a relationship with ANYONE FUCKING PERSON BECAUSE I GIVE MY EVERYTHING AND THEY SHIT ON MY FUCKING FACE
I HATE THIS LONELY BULLSHIT
FUCK
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[ Sunday August 13th 2006 @ 1:22am] |
everyone at work knew
everyone knows
i hate.
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[ Friday August 11th 2006 @ 12:26am] |
i wish i was something to someone
honestly i do
i want some captivating relationship to which i'm absolutely devoted for the rest of eternity
someone meaning a male form
everything with me and boys comes in spurts
as soon as i need a figure in my life distributing kisses along my spine there is no one
no hands larger than mine
no force
no nice things
and it's awful.
and i'm lonely.
because it's only one-night-stands. and at least i'm still a virgin, but what does that tell you besides the fact that everyone just feels sorry for me, and doesn't want to spoil me?
because
nevermind
fuck you and dont read this or talk
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[ Wednesday July 26th 2006 @ 1:09am] |
so i gave myself bangs.
i don't know what i was thinking.
but i gave myself bangs.
word.
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[ Monday July 24th 2006 @ 8:33pm] |
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so i work. not enough.
my dad made it clear he wanted me to find a better job.
i didn't know what to say to him.
i mean, i would feel horrible if i just gave up, and waitressed somewhere else, because beth wants me to stay.
and i like the people i work with, most of the time.
there's just so much pressure at that place-- it's like expertise isn't enough.
i really need to get going on my summer reading.
but i simply don't have the drive to go out and actually buy the books, because i usually jack them.
and the fact is, it's a lot of fucking work, half of which i don't understand the instructions.
i don't know what's going on in my life, basically.
and now that alicia left, i'm lonely constantly.
and it's only been a day.
i need school to start soon.
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[ Sunday July 23rd 2006 @ 3:23pm] |
school is starting soon.
this past week has been by far, the best one of my summer.
every single day, i was content to be with her, and with my friends.
she completes me.
i don't know how else to explain that.
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| hey |
[ Thursday July 13th 2006 @ 11:36pm] |
i need to figure out how to have sex, soon
yea
alicia is coming soon. that's pretty much all i'm paying attention to.
oh
and some mexican
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